


After the Rupture

by Teemfr3_Cherryscone



Series: Team Castiel: The Holy Quartet [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Break Up, Castiel Has Self-Esteem Issues (Supernatural), Crying, Depression, Gen, Hiking, Late at Night, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Walks In The Woods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22028509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teemfr3_Cherryscone/pseuds/Teemfr3_Cherryscone
Summary: Takes place after Dean has accused Castiel of being the reason everything goes wrong in his life, causing Castiel to leave, depressed and dejected. Castiel finds the mixed tape that Dean gave him as a gift, in his truck...and breaks down.A made-up add on/extended ending from epsiode 15x03 of Supernatural. All characters created by Eric Kripke. Dean and Castiel’s first lines lifted from episode, written by Robert Berens. Directed by Charles Beeson.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Team Castiel: The Holy Quartet [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585636
Kudos: 41





	After the Rupture

"Where are you going?" Dean's eyes are glassy. He's had far too much to drink. 

Castiel stops in his tracks. The hope that Dean’s even curious about his future intentions, or would attempt to stop him from walking out that door. But Castiel can feel it… the hatred. The complete and utter loathing crawling up his back and around his neck, choking him, killing him slowly. He manages to remain standing, as he gives his parting words to Dean Winchester.

"Jack’s dead. Chuck is gone. You and Sam have each other. I think it’s time for me to move on." Castiel looks one last time at Dean, giving him a last chance to call him back. To keep him there. If Dean took one step towards Castiel, that would have been enough. If he stood up. But Dean doesn’t waver. Doesn’t even blink. Just stares Castiel down, daring him to say another word. It’s really over. Castiel can’t bear it another moment and has to look down and away from his one reason for living. Run. And don’t come back. You’ll only hurt him, again. Get away from Dean Winchester, and don’t wish….Without saying goodbye to Sam, Castiel climbs the stairs and exits the Bunker. Dean doesn’t call out to him, even to threaten Castiel from coming back. 

*****

When Cas is outside he starts for the truck, guilty for taking it without the Winchesters’ blessing. Even though both Sam and Dean had multiple options for transportation besides the impala, he knew that it was stealing, and that he had promised never to do anything like this again. To stick by Sam and Dean and to support them in everything they did. To do his very best to communicate and to ask permission for any supplies belonging to the Bunker. To recognize that in respecting each other, that meant that they truly cared for each other….that they loved one another…

He looks towards the Bunker one last time. His one true home. Then he drives away. Pulling onto the highway, Castiel ignores the speed limit, and focuses on putting as much distance between himself and the Winchesters, as possible. Luckily, the roads are empty, due to the lateness of the hour. He blinks away tears, and swallows hard. 'I’m really leaving. I’m running away…again. Whenever something goes wrong…' Castiel lets out a small cry and struggles to breathe. He's having another anxiety attack. Another episode. Cas pulls over and parks the truck, without turning off the engine. He leans forward and rests his forehead on the steering wheel, focusing on his breathing, both of his arms going slack at his sides. Even though he’s been over it a thousand times since it happened, Castiel tries to make sense of his actions and his decision to kill Belphegor, and to destroy Jack’s body, so that if Jack were ever to return… 

'It was Belphegor that I was up against and he was a monster. He lied to us, was going to cause hurt and suffering to all of mankind, with the power of Hell’s demons at his hands. I had to do it. I didn’t have a choice. Just the way Sam didn’t have a choice when….' Castiel puts his face in his hands, leaning back against the driver’s seat. Rowena. If he had let Belphegor live, she would be alive. There’s no getting around it…'Maybe Dean was right, about everything…about me. Every disappointment, every failure,…Why can’t I just leave everyone alone?' 

Cas is almost through the episode when he starts trembling again, his lips quivering. Castiel angrily punches the dashboard, and the glove compartment falls open. A cassette tape labeled ‘Dean’s Top 13 Zepp Traxx’ falls out onto the passenger seat. Cas looks at it for a moment, analyzing it. Did Castiel ever return the favor, by getting Dean a gift, as well? Could he manage even that? Such a small gesture of kindness, and it was beyond his comprehension. But why would Dean expect anything of the kind, from Castiel? When he was dead to him? Castiel calms himself by taking a long, deep breath. He calmly opens his eyes. 'I'm.....done....."

Castiel pulls back onto the road, and just….drives. He doesn’t know what else to do. After many hours on the road, Castiel drives past a sign that says ‘Rest area ½ a mile’. He pulls into a small parking lot off the highway, with several hiking trails on a nearby map. The booth next to the map is dark, and Castiel is the only one in the area. He exits the truck and inspects the map. Without anything better to do at the moment, Castiel chooses a trail that opens to a view of the lake, a mile or so into the woods. He has his angel blade with him, but knows he wouldn’t bother drawing it, if attacked by any demons or monsters, lurking in the bushes. The stars are out and the moon is bright enough to light the way for him, beaming through the treetops. After what seems a short amount of time, Cas reaches the cliff, looking out onto the lake. There is a fence built with logs that seem worn and weathered from time, with a rusty sign nailed to it, saying ‘Do not cross fence’. The rocks extend out on the other side to form a ledge, similar to the shape of a giant arrowhead. Castiel climbs through the fence and walks out to the edge of the cliff. Looking over it, he sees the lake, down below. He once was told that the highest cliff in the world, is about 1,340 m. high. Castiel wonders now if the cliff he’s standing on, is anywhere close to being that high up. Dean’s voice in his head.. ['You’re dead to me..'] Castiel swallows hard. The tears are endless, and he’s dizzy from the pain.. His only reason for living, for fighting. For trying over and over again to do the right thing wants nothing to do with him. 'I’ll only hurt you again, if I stay.' 

Castiel looks up at the stars. He wonders if Dean decided to take a walk that night, as well, and they were both wishing the same thing. That they could start over. That they could change one thing in their past, to shape their end where it could possibly involve each other, without the tears and without the hate, where Dean didn’t have to get so angry…an ending where Dean could be happy, if only…

Cas looks ahead into the empty air, into the sea of stars. The cliff’s edge glows in the moonlight. His ears are buzzing, and the sounds of the forest disappear. His breath is labored and his body aches. Shaking, still struggling to breathe, he takes a step forward. He releases his blade from his sleeve and lets it fall softly to the ground. Another step forward…. 

'It’s over.. I won’t hurt you again. I won’t betray you again. I pray you forget ever meeting me, that where I’m going I’ll be allowed my memories of you. That no matter where I am I’ll hear your voice, remember your eyes..'

Castiel stops, suddenly. He lets out a quiet sob. His toes are just off the edge of the cliff, his heels the only thing grounding him… He allows himself to cry, for awhile. Shaking violently, gripping his fists so tightly, blood trickles from his hands, his nails digging into his palms. Finally, his body tiring out, swaying sickly, Castiel opens his eyes, his vision clouded by tears. 'You’re safe from me now…Please......Forget me…'

Blocking his final prayer so that no angel or human would hear him, his body goes quiet, the earth completely still as if in support of what he’s about to do. As if wanting it..

'…Sam. I never deserved your patience, your friendship. Could never earn it…..Dean…. Please forgive me...' another step towards the stars, away from the cliff….and then......He never truly missed his wings. Never hoped to get them back. Because Dean preferred Castiel to ride in the impala, where Dean could know where he was. And Castiel could watch over Dean, in return. The air whips past Castiel’s face, as he plummets towards the water, and the rocks just at the shore. He makes a final plea to the stars...Imagining Dean is with him, imagining his arms wrapped around him....

'Let me take his pain away from him, let me keep it with me forever...' Cas can taste his tears on his lips, even when falling.

'I love you…' Castiel opens his arms wide as he falls, into nothing, into Empty…'Dean, I love you...'

A rush of pain….Then darkness……Dean Winchester his final thought, his final breath.

..to be continued.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3
> 
> Click on 'Next Work' for continuation or Part 2 of 'After the Rupture' ('The Holy Quartet').


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